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3 Reasons To Fear Santa

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a Scrooge and I’m not against Christmas in anyway. In fact, I really enjoy the Christmas activities, such as putting up trees, eating tons of food, and knocking on stranger’s doors and singing them Christmas carols!

Christmas carolers

I'm the one on the right.

However, if you sit and actually think about the things that Santa Claus does, you’ll soon realize that the guy is crazy. I mean, he does things that would land any normal man in prison. In fact, there are 3 reasons why we should fear Santa and do our best to end his reign of terror!

Santa holding kids

"Oh Lord! Not the children!"

1. He’s a trespasser- Every year, this jolly, old man sneaks into my house without me ever knowing it. What is he trying to hide? I sit by my chimney with a loaded weapon and the burglar alarm on, and I’ve never once caught this deviant. How is he doing this? Did he go through some sort of military training?

Just think, if he can sneak into our houses undetected, what keeps him from coming back during his off season? This guy could be watching me in my sleep. Maybe that’s what the song, “Santa Claus is Coming To Town” has been trying to warn us about.

He sees you when you’re sleeping… What a creep!

creepy santa

Good luck trying to sleep on Christmas Eve.

So since good ole Saint Nick can sneak into your home whenever he wants, there’s another problem you have to worry about.

2. He steals– Every year when I was a kid, I would lay out cookies and milk for Santa. I was cool with him eating those cookies because I was giving them to him as a peace offering, so he would give me presents and not murder me in my sleep. (See picture above.)

When I got older, I stopped putting out food for Santa Claus because I wanted the cookies for breakfast. I would wake up looking forward to opening presents and filling my blood stream with pure sugar. However, when I awoke, the cookies were gone. The next year, I left out a note that said, “Steal from me again, old man, and I’ll put an end to you.” This didn’t stop him. Now, every year, Santa keeps stealing from me.

empty wallet

He even took the cookies I hid in my wallet.

1. He abuses his elves– When do the poor elves get a break from working? Never! As soon as Santa returns, reaping the praise from their labor, he cracks the whip and makes them get right back to it. They only have 365 days to make a trillion toys for all the boys and girls, and that means no breaks and no days off!

baby elf

"Get back to work you lazy bum!"

When was the last time you ever wrote a letter to the elves and said, “thank you for all your hard work?” The poor elves get no credit for all their labor. Santa gets to do the fun part and deliver the presents and then hogs the spotlight. During the year, while the elves work non-stop, Santa gets fat on milk and stolen cookies. Where’s the justice?

So the next time you see Santa at a mall, in a parade, or on Christmas Eve, go up to him and let him know that you will no longer keep silent and let him get away with his illegal activities!

Just kidding! Santa’s not real!

James Van Der Beek

Merry Christmas!!!


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