Lanny's Blog

Archive for the category “News Humor”

The Oldest Man in the World

All good things must come to an end, right? Well for Jiroemon Kimura, the oldest man in the world from Japan, he lived more days than most of us can ever hope.

Not only was Kimura the oldest man alive according to the Guinness Book of World Records, but he was also the oldest person to have ever lived! That’s a pretty amazing feat when you think about it. And what’s even more amazing is the fact that he died of natural causes at the ripe age of 116. And by ripe, I mean pretty old.

Jiroemon Kimura

I hope I’m this happy when I’m 116.

Kimura was born on April 19, 1897. Just think of all the amazing things and events this man was alive for. Both world wars, dinosaurs, and most of the stories from the Old Testament.

I think the thing I learned from this story is that even if you live to be 116, life is still short. Do the things you love and go out with a big smile on your face.

To read more about this story, check out the link.

Advertisements

Barney and Friends…and Murder

When you think of Barney, the popular purple dinosaur, what words come to mind? Children? Education? Learning? Murder?

Now I know what you’re thinking. How could a fictional character that is both loving and caring be tangled up with murder? Well he’s not. But the son of the show’s creator is.

Barney

Barney’s response after he was asked if he had ever murdered someone.

Sheryl Leach, the creator of the show Barney, has a son named Patrick that is being accused of attempted murder. He was also charged with one count of assault with a semi-automatic weapon. Someone obviously missed the episode about forgiveness.

Patrick apparently got into an argument with his neighbor over a trespassing issue and shot him. The neighbor called the police after he was shot. Patrick was later arrested and is now scheduled to appear in court next month.

This story just makes me sad. What’s next? Is the daughter of the director of Wishbone going to rob a liquor store or hold up a bank? What’s this world coming to? And what really makes me sick is how this story will reflect on poor Barney. I wonder if he will do an episode about gun control? Or an episode about how to survive in prison? Either way, I would watch those episodes.

If you would like more information on this story, you can check it out here.

Also, if you know of any other amusing news stories, feel free to send me a link and let me know about them.

Egyptian Popeye Taking Steroids?

I’ve never really understood why anyone would take steroids. Sure they can help you achieve great things in sports like home run records but what are the real consequences? Obviously there are side effects like millions of dollars, Nike contracts, and the admiration of everyone in the world, but who would want any of that?

Another side effect of steroids is becoming the most electrifying man in sport’s entertainment.

I’m just kidding. Yes, sometimes people who take steroids become famous athletes, actors or even governors of California. But there are also tons of people who take the stuff who just end up playing softball in a co-ed league.

This brings me to a wonderful story I found about a man who is known as the “Egyptian Popeye.” His real name is Moustafa Ismail and his arms are humongous!

I’ll give you a minute or two to go vomit.

This gentlemen is from Massachusetts and is a bodybuilder, even though from the looks of it, he’s a bicep and tricep builder. He says that he has achieved this “wonderful” physique because he,

 eats seven pounds of protein, nine pounds of carbohydrates and three gallons of water each day to help maintain upper arms that measure 31 inches around – as big as a small man’s waist.

That’s right  31 inches.

There are skeptics (myself included) who think that steroids or other drugs have helped him reach this goal. I’m not a betting man, but I would probably guess horse testosterone.

However, the guy is sticking to his guns and claiming that his arms are all natural. He just eats a ton of protein and has a grueling 2 hour workout that he does everyday. However, the rest of of his body is average. So apparently, he only works his arms.

The Guinness Book of World Records was going to recognize him as the “man with the largest arms,” until controversy started about how is muscles might have grown with the help of illegal substances. You think they would have checked this out before sending him on an all-expenses-paid trip to London to do a special appearance.

I just want to point out that there is only one other man that I have seen whose arms look strangely similar. His name is Greg Valentino. Or as others like to call him, “the man whose arms exploded.”

Yes, you can go vomit again…

If you can’t really tell, this man is in handcuffs. He was arrested for possession of illegal sports enhancing drugs such as steroids. So am I saying that the Egyptian Popeye is a cheater cheater pumpkin eater? Yes. That’s exactly what I’m saying.

Then again, it’s not my place to judge people. If he says he didn’t cheat, then I’ll take his word for it. It’s just really weird that I don’t see anyone else who works out for a few years and gets gigantic arms like that. But maybe it’s just in his genetics.

If you’re interested to learn more about the world of bodybuilding or the effects of taking steroids, I highly recommend you check out the documentaries, Pumping Iron, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and Lou Ferrigno, and Bigger Stronger Faster.

Check out the full story and tell me what you think in the comments section.

Streaking! At A Youth Soccer Game?

Streakers are probably the only reason to ever watch soccer. Sure, I could waste 3 hours of my life watching grown men kick a ball back a forth only to end the game at 0-0, but I’ve got plenty of other ways to waste my time.

a field of grass

For example, I could watch this grass grow and be just as equally entertained.

However, I stumbled upon this great story that actually made soccer appealing. And if there is one thing I hate more than watching soccer, it’s reading about soccer.

What makes this story unique is where it took place and the fact the streaker was a woman. Don’t get me wrong, I think women can streak just as good as men, but the fact that it took place at a youth soccer match is baffling.

A woman ran out onto the field, topless, with her boobs painted blue and white. She was quickly taken down by a security guard and escorted off the field. The guy who caught it on video alleges that the woman was a little intoxicated.

First of all, why didn’t anything like this happen when I played soccer? I played goalie and the only exciting thing that ever happened was when a ball came at me once in a blue moon or if my shoe came untied. Other than that, I literally just sat down on the grass and waited for basketball season.

a kid playing goalie

Oh…the excitement.

Secondly, this woman shouldn’t have been punished. She was just trying to make soccer exciting, and let’s face it, that’s pretty hard to do. I’m willing to bet that’s the only time in history that people will talk about a youth soccer game after it’s over.

Thirdly, what if this woman was someone’s mother? Holy cow! How embarrassing would that be? I’ve heard of parents getting out of hand at their kid’s sporting events, but this is ridiculous!

But then again, maybe she was just trying to show that she had team spirit. Yeah, there are better ways of showing your spirit like making a poster or a t-shirt, but running around topless during the game might be over the top. I will give her bonus points for thinking outside the box though.

Tell me what you think about this after you read the full story.

New Invention Allows People to Climb Walls Like Spider-Man

If you’ve never daydreamed about being Spider-Man, then you should probably get yourself checked out because there is something wrong with you. Almost everyone loves the famous wall-crawler and wishes they could have his superpowers for just one day. Well, now we are one step closer.

A group of engineering students from Utah State University invented a Personal Vacuum Assisted Climber or PVAC for short.

a man climbing a wall

The only downside is that you’ll look more like Dr. Octopus than Spider-Man.

Since I know very little about engineering, I’ll share a quote with you from the Huffington Post, so you can better understand how this thing works.

The device is basically a vacuum motor that powers two suction paddles, and sticks onto any building surface, be it glass, stucco, or brick, and is powerful enough to support up to 700 pounds, depending on the altitude.

This is every nerd’s dream come true!

After I read more about it, the story reflects more of an Iron Man movie. The team made this crafty invention for a competition sponsored by the Air Force. The Air Force was so blown away that they decided to invest $100,000 into developing the PVAC even further. Could we be looking at a new military weapon?

There are still some things that need to be worked out like the weight and the fact that it’s pretty loud. However, I think this is an amazing invention that has great potential and power. “And with great power comes great responsibility,” said Uncle Ben for the seventy-fifth time.

Spider-Man's web shooters

Now we just need someone to invent the web shooters.

Do you know of any other cool superhero-like inventions? If so, tell me about them in the comments section or on the Facebook page.

Check out the article to find out more about this cool story.

If The 2012 GOP Nomination Was a Movie

I think it would be a great idea if Disney or some other company picked up the rights to the 2012 GOP Nomination and made a movie. Just think, it could cover the whole story of how Mitt Romney rose to greatness and eventually became the nominee. However, there would need to be a supporting cast. Luckily for Disney or whoever, I’ve already made the cast list for them. You’re welcome. Just put the check in the mail.

Mitt Romney would be played by…

Bruce Campbell

Rick Perry would be played by…

Josh Brolin

Newt Gingrich would be played by…

Emperor Palpatine

Rick Santorum would be played by…

Jerry Seinfeld

Ron Paul would be played by…

Magneto

Michelle Bachman would be played by…

Sarah Palin

Herman Cain would be played by…

this random, box of pizza that costs $9.99

Who do you think should play the candidates in a movie? Share your thoughts in the comments section.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Easter: A Holiday for Violence

This week I was trying to brainstorm ideas for this blog entry. I was trying to think of a clever Easter post that would be both insightful and humorous. However, I failed to construct such an entry mostly because of my laziness and lack of time.

Then it came to me. Just like a chocolate bunny delivered from the hands of heaven, I stumbled upon an amazing story of both stupidity and a constant reminder that the human race is slowly, but surely, evolving back into Neanderthals.

a neanderthal

My apologies to the Neanderthals who read this blog.

I’m actually deeply upset because I was shocked that such an awful news story took place in my home state of Georgia. Way to make me proud… Here it is:

An annual Easter egg hunt in central Georgia was canceled because, in past years, the parents grew increasingly violent when trying to collect eggs for themselves and their children. Now the article doesn’t mention anything about the children being violent. Just the parents.

So now because of the “parents” acting like a bunch of asshats, the children don’t get to celebrate and enjoy a wonderful holiday celebration.

This Easter event is actually one of the largest in the state of Georgia, which means a lot of children will be missing out.

Perhaps, the parents shouldn’t be allowed to attend or take part in Easter anymore. Or perhaps they should be locked up for the benefit of all mankind. I vote for the latter. Just read one the quotes!

Allen said he canceled this year’s hunt because parents caused children to be hurt. He said that in past years, one woman was injured and several children were “trampled on.”

Children were trampled on? I don’t recall that being one of the traditions of Easter. Let’s see, we color eggs, buy chocolate bunnies, take pictures with the Easter bunny, and…what else? Oh yeah! Trample small, helpless children! That’s what we’ve been forgetting.

What I really don’t get is why anyone would become violent over Easter eggs? It’s just plastic filled with candy. You know you can just go to any store the day after and get candy for like 10 cents. It’s not worth going to jail over.

a woman being arrested

"I was just trying to help my baby get some Easter eggs, yall!" If you read it in a southern accent, it's more effective.

What’s your reaction to this story? Share your thoughts and opinions in the comments section and have a Happy Easter. Just don’t trample any small children.

You can read the full article here.

Man Blames Ghost for Marital Problems

What comes to mind when you think of ghosts? Well, they are scary, they haunt people, and they roam around and say “boo!” A lesser known fact about ghosts, that you may not know, is that they occasionally enjoy punching women.

A man in Wisconsin named Michael West was arrested after allegedly punching his wife in the face, which is horrible. When the police arrived at the scene, Michael’s wife accused him of trying to strangle her twice. He then punched her in the face when she called the cops. Like any guilty man, Michael said that his wife “fell several times” and that’s how she got injured. And then, Michael had the balls to say a statement so bold and so stupid, that I was dumbfounded and also impressed at the creativity. He told authorities that, “a ghost did it.”

Casper
This is an amateur sketch of the ghost.

Now I know most of you are thinking, “there’s no way that guy is telling the truth. He’s just trying to get out of going to prison.” But the Huffington Post seemed to think it’d be a good idea to get a paranormal researcher’s opinion to see if Michael’s claims could be legit. I wish I was making this up.

I’m about to show you a quote that I can’t believe was even needed in this case. But here it goes:

“Reports of ghosts attacking people or making them do things are extremely rare and there is no solid evidence to support them,” Ron James told HuffPost Weird News. “You won’t find anyone who will vouch for them.”

First off, Ron James is a “filmmaker who specializes in the paranormal” or as normal people call it, “unemployed.” Second, how are you going to find solid or tangible evidence if it’s a ghost? Aren’t they notorious for being, you know, invisible? On the other hand, there is a great detective duo that has never come across a case they couldn’t solve…

Blues Clues
“Invisible clues? Our specialty. Give us 24 hours.”

Then Ron James delivers yet another quote.

James says the only way West’s claim might be legit is if the house has had documented paranormal activity.

Wait a minute, so if Michael West can come up with some evidence or documented paranormal activity, he could possibly get away with beating his wife? Sure all the tangible evidence points to this guy beating his wife, but maybe, just maybe, a ghost really did do it. It’s not like the guy has a history of spousal abuse or anything. Oh wait…

West’s wife says his violent behavior has increased and there had been a previous no-contact order filed against him.

The article then talks about his “shady, checkered spousal abusive past.” Now I’m not a betting man, but I’d probably bet that this guy got upset and beat his wife. However, I do think it would be hilarious if the police in Wisconsin believed him, and started a man hunt for a ghost.

handcuffs
Pictured: A ghost in handcuffs. Wait. We lost him again.

Do you know of any other crazy news stories or do you have an opinion about this one? If so, share your thoughts in the comments section.

You can read the full article here.

Dogs are Trying to Kill Us

It was reported in Florida, that a man was shot by his dog. The man was shot while on a hunting expedition that he took with his dog and his friend. What’s even crazier is that this is the second hunter in two weeks to be shot by his dog. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that dogs are trying to kill us.

dog sniper

My God, we're surrounded.

The hunter, who is 78, was shot in the thigh. According to the official reports, the trio was traveling down a rough road, the dog got rowdy, knocked against the rifle and it went off. I on the order hand, believe there is a conspiracy going on.

Yes, the canines have turned against us. They are sick and tired of us dragging them around on leashes, making them fetch our papers, and they are tired of being locked up in kennels.

dog in kennel

Oh! What's that puppy? You don't like kennels? Well now you're going to prison for attempted murder.

The hunter who got shot in the thigh was actually pretty lucky compared to the other guy. A bullet jumped up during a duck hunt and got him directly in the buttocks. I think I’ve heard that story somewhere before.

forrest gump

You can read the full story here. Do you know of any other crazy stories involving dogs or pets? If so, tell me about them in comments section!

Company Makes Beer for Dogs

This might be one of the oddest news stories that I have ever read. A company has found a way to make a beer for dogs. If you think about it though, dogs don’t really need a beer in order to show alcoholic-like behavior. They already lay around, chase their own tails and they can’t hold down a job.

dog using a computer

Keep searching Craigslist for that dream job.

The beer is called, Bowser Beer and it’s made in Phoenix. Here’s the kicker: it has no hops, no carbonation, and no alcohol. So what’s in the bottle? It’s basically sweet malt barley and other ingredients that are safe for dogs.

So my question is, why is it necessary to make a beer for dogs? Well, a woman named Jenny Brown made pretzel snacks for dogs for a holiday party.

dogs at a party

I'm assuming this is what the party looked like.

Then she had an epiphany. An idea so grand and so genius, that she literally had a light bulb over head. She asked herself one…simple…question. “What goes well with pretzels?” And the only logical answer was….beer. Then she created a beef and malt flavored beverage and tested it on several dogs. And guess what? They freaking loved it! She later made a beer with chicken flavor and called it “Cock-a-Doodle Brew.” Brilliant.

Bowser Brew can now be found in 40 states. However, some customers were disappointed when they realized that there dog wouldn’t actually get intoxicated. Honestly, I’d be a little disappointed too if my dog didn’t get wasted from something called Bowser Beer.

However, it’s important to note, that this beer can act as a gateway drug. First it starts out all innocent, and next thing you know you’ve got a good-for-nothing dog who just sits around, watches TV, beats your cat and is addicted to the hard stuff.

two drunk dogs

This is what addiction looks like. Cute and cuddly.

You can find the full story here. Tell me your thoughts about this bizarre story in the comments section.

Post Navigation