It is upon us! It’s Shark Week. The one week out of the year that anyone gives a crap about the Discovery Channel.
My apologies to the nerds who do watch Discovery on a regular basis.
When I was youngster, back in 1995, I wanted to one day study sharks. I wanted to be lowered into the ocean in a cage, and take pictures of Great Whites and other massive and dangerous sharks. However, once I became a man, the reality hit me that I didn’t want to be torn limb from limb by some insane beast.
Over the years, I have watched and admired those who are brave enough to go against the sharks. However, I dare not venture into the deep abyss for fear of getting swallowed whole. So for now, I will just stick to watching it on TV.
Through years of watching, Shark Week has taught me some very important lessons. Here are 3 things I’ve learned from Shark Week.
3. Never live in Australia– Why you ask? Just Google “Shark attacks in Australia.” This year, there have been 5 fatal attacks in Western Australia. In fact, a surfer was recently attacked by a 15-foot Great White and his remains were never found. Sounds like a scene from Jaws to me. Or maybe Jaws 4: The Revenge, which wouldn’t make sense to you readers because no one has seen that movie because the plot is ridiculous. No shark is going to chase your family down to the Bahamas and kill you.
But I digress.
I’m not saying Australia is a bad place. I’m saying it’s a horrible place. If you want to go swimming, I highly recommend you avoid traveling there. Stick to a pool, preferably one that’s indoors that way you only have to worry about people peeing in the water. Let’s face it, a mouth full of chlorine and urine beats getting slowly devoured by an animal with razor sharp teeth.
2. Surfing is stupid- I’ve always wanted to try surfing. But on the other hand, I’ve also always wanted to keep as many limbs as possible. If Shark Week has given me any good advice, it’s that people on surf boards look strangely similar to seals.
And can you guess what a shark’s favorite food is?
So why do it?
I hear most people say, “Oh bro, surfing is the ultimate adrenaline rush, bro. It’s like, riding on the back of mother nature, bro.”
I’m assuming that all surfers talk like that.
And that they all look like Spicoli.
1. People only watch for the shark attacks- It’s sad but true. Just like people only watch NASCAR for wrecks, people only watch Shark Week for the re-enactments and the stories of sharks attacking.
But if you ever find yourself in a situation where you’re about to be attacked by a shark, the first thing you should do is whip out your smart phone and read this article posted on wikiHow. My favorite steps in the article are Get Into a Defensive Position and Fight. That’s great advice. The next step is to put your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye because you’re going to get eaten.
Who is going to fight a shark? No one! And don’t say Aquaman, because he is useless.
In conclusion, I feel it’s best for me to avoid sharks at all costs. Unless of course, we are talking about re-runs of the popular 90s cartoon, Street Sharks. In that case, pull me up a chair.
Okay, so maybe it wasn’t that popular.
Or if you’re eating those Shark Bite fruit snacks.
Just pray you get a bunch of white ones.
What do you enjoy most about shark week? Tell me about it in the comments.