Lanny's Blog

Archive for the month “January, 2012”

Man Blames Ghost for Marital Problems

What comes to mind when you think of ghosts? Well, they are scary, they haunt people, and they roam around and say “boo!” A lesser known fact about ghosts, that you may not know, is that they occasionally enjoy punching women.

A man in Wisconsin named Michael West was arrested after allegedly punching his wife in the face, which is horrible. When the police arrived at the scene, Michael’s wife accused him of trying to strangle her twice. He then punched her in the face when she called the cops. Like any guilty man, Michael said that his wife “fell several times” and that’s how she got injured. And then, Michael had the balls to say a statement so bold and so stupid, that I was dumbfounded and also impressed at the creativity. He told authorities that, “a ghost did it.”

Casper
This is an amateur sketch of the ghost.

Now I know most of you are thinking, “there’s no way that guy is telling the truth. He’s just trying to get out of going to prison.” But the Huffington Post seemed to think it’d be a good idea to get a paranormal researcher’s opinion to see if Michael’s claims could be legit. I wish I was making this up.

I’m about to show you a quote that I can’t believe was even needed in this case. But here it goes:

“Reports of ghosts attacking people or making them do things are extremely rare and there is no solid evidence to support them,” Ron James told HuffPost Weird News. “You won’t find anyone who will vouch for them.”

First off, Ron James is a “filmmaker who specializes in the paranormal” or as normal people call it, “unemployed.” Second, how are you going to find solid or tangible evidence if it’s a ghost? Aren’t they notorious for being, you know, invisible? On the other hand, there is a great detective duo that has never come across a case they couldn’t solve…

Blues Clues
“Invisible clues? Our specialty. Give us 24 hours.”

Then Ron James delivers yet another quote.

James says the only way West’s claim might be legit is if the house has had documented paranormal activity.

Wait a minute, so if Michael West can come up with some evidence or documented paranormal activity, he could possibly get away with beating his wife? Sure all the tangible evidence points to this guy beating his wife, but maybe, just maybe, a ghost really did do it. It’s not like the guy has a history of spousal abuse or anything. Oh wait…

West’s wife says his violent behavior has increased and there had been a previous no-contact order filed against him.

The article then talks about his “shady, checkered spousal abusive past.” Now I’m not a betting man, but I’d probably bet that this guy got upset and beat his wife. However, I do think it would be hilarious if the police in Wisconsin believed him, and started a man hunt for a ghost.

handcuffs
Pictured: A ghost in handcuffs. Wait. We lost him again.

Do you know of any other crazy news stories or do you have an opinion about this one? If so, share your thoughts in the comments section.

You can read the full article here.

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4 Types of Movies That Keep Getting Recycled

I thoroughly enjoy watching movies, but lately, I’ve noticed that a lot of movies look very similar. I watch the trailers, and I swear I have deja vu. It’s like when I watch the trailers, I swear I have deja vu.

So I started investigating to see which movies were extremely similar in style, theme and plot. And during my search, I found that there are 4 types of movies that keep getting recycled.

4. Movies about women getting revenge– If these movies have taught me anything, it’s that you should never piss off women, especially if they are undercover agents, spies or armed with any type of weapon.

an angry woman
I can’t see her hands, so I’ll just assume she has a switch blade or a rocket launcher.

I’m not picking on women here, but I have noticed that this plot gets used over and over and over. A woman gets betrayed, she gets pissed, she kills a bunch of people who wronged her and….roll the credits. I just gave away the ending to most of those movies. My apologies.

Examples: Columbiana, Salt, Haywire, Kill Bill, The Brave One, and I’m sure there are more I’m leaving out.

Even though this does get used a lot, I do find some of these films enjoyable. For instance, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo was really good. But maybe Hollywood should step away from this plot for a while and see if they can come up with something else. Make some movies about angry men getting revenge…oh wait that’s been done to death too!

Death Sentence
Once you use Kevin Bacon in a movie about revenge, you’ve pretty much milked it for all it’s worth.

3. Horror films made like documentaries or with “found” footage– If I ever find a video camera in the woods or in a house and it’s got a tape in it, you better believe that I’m not going to touch it. Not because I’m afraid of what’s on the tape, I’m just afraid to have my name associated with a movie that gets less than 5% on Rotten Tomatoes.

This type of movie was innovative when the Blair Witch Project came out, but you can’t expect me to believe that there is that much “found” footage just floating around the world, just laying somewhere, perfectly edited.

I would also like to point out that every time a movie comes out in this genre, the reviews get worse and worse. Don’t believe me? Just look at these reviews from Rotten Tomatoes.

Blair Witch Project…85%

Paranormal Activity…83%

The Last Exorcism…73%

Apollo 18…25%

The Devil Inside…6%

chess
Check and mate!

So Hollywood, the next time you find footage, just leave it alone. The only people who will see it are gullible morons who think that eventually one of these movies will be really good. And yes, I am one of those gullible morons. So save me a seat.

2.  Movies about dancing- Every time I see a trailer for a movie about dancing, I really just can’t understand it. How many movies can you make about dancing? To me, it just gets tiring after a while.

The ones that really get me are the Step Up movies. Basically, it’s about gangs dancing against one another to prove how cool they are.

dance crew from Step Up
“Keep talking about my mama and I’ll kill you with these sweet dance moves!”

Whatever happened to gangs fighting and beating each other up? Instead they are dancing to show who is the biggest and baddest. I’ve never seen that happen in real life. But just imagine what that would be like.

Gang member 1: “Yo man, you better shut your mouth about my girl!”

Gang member 2: “Oh yeah, well what are you gonna do about it?”

Gang member 1: “Let me slip on my ballet slippers and I’ll show you, fool.”

Side not: If gangs danced, I’d probably stand a better chance of being cool enough to join one.

a nerd dancing
Watch out gentlemen, I’m about to do the Twist.

I guess it just bothers me to see such talent wasted. You see all these big guys who look like they are going to murder each other in an amazing action scene and then they break out and start dancing with each other. Ridiculous! And also well choreographed. There’s no way all those dance sequences are spontaneous!

Examples: Step Up 1-3, Stomp the Yard, How She Move, Footloose, and I’m embarrassed that I can name that many off the top of my head.

1. Movies about aliens– In 2011, Hollywood thought that aliens would become the new vampires. A ton of movies came out using aliens. Aliens were in comedies (Paul), action movies (Cowboys and Aliens), horror films (Apollo 18) kid’s animated movies (Mars Needs Moms), superhero movies (The Green Lantern), blockbusters (Super 8) and really sucky movies (I Am Number 4 and Battle Los Angeles). Hopefully in 2012, they will back off.

a guy bathing in money
“But aliens make me so much money! Screw quality! Money money money!”

At this point, if aliens ever invaded the Earth, I probably wouldn’t be afraid. I’m pretty sure Hollywood has covered every possible scenario and has shown us numerous ways we can survive. And if all else fails, we’ll just call Will Smith and he will save the day. After all, he has been in Independence Day and Men In Black 1-3. So at this point he is an alien expert.

What types of movies do you see getting recycled a lot? Share your thoughts and opinions in the comment section.

3 Sports I’ll Never Understand

Sports are awesome, but they are not all created equal. I understand the thrill of sports such as basketball and football and can appreciate the strategy of sports like tennis and bowling. However, there are some sports that I’ll never understand. No matter how hard I try, I just can’t can’t get into them.

3. Golf– Let me just say that golf may be the most frustrating sport on the whole planet to play. It’s the only time I’ve ever tried to bend a metal object out of  pure frustration. What I don’t get is that everyone who plays golf talks about how relaxing and stress relieving it is. Apparently, I’ve been playing wrong, because when I’m done I always feel an aneurysm coming on and for some reason I feel the need to scream at someone or something.

an angry golfer
“You’re the reason I suck, golf club! Not because of my lack of skill!”

What I really don’t get is how there can be a channel on television that shows golf all the time. It’s an entire channel dedicated to this awful, soul-sucking sport. 24 hours a day. Non-stop. All the time. Do you get the picture I’m painting here?

And it looks so easy. It’s like you have a straight shot at the hole, and then you end up hitting a tree that’s an inch thick. How is my accuracy so good and so horrible at the same time?

2. UFC Fights– Here’s a potential conversation that you would have with a UFC fighter.

Me: So what do you do for a living?

Fighter: Well I get into a caged ring with another man. He then does everything in his power to knock me out and make my head bleed. He chases me around and finds pleasure in snapping one of my limbs. It’s a hoot. What do you do?

Me: What the **** is the matter with you?

I understand people getting a kick out of watching this sport, but who in their right mind would want to compete? Have you ever been punched before? It looks like it hurts really bad.

I’ve often wondered what the fighters think about before going to work. Do they make a pot of coffee and read the paper in the mornings? If it were me, all I’d be able to focus on is the fact that I’m about to fight a huge man, and only one of us walks away.

Brock Lesnar
Holy crap! Is that a man, or did you guys shave a bear?

In case you can’t see it, Brock Lesnar has a tattoo of a knife on his chest. Chances are if you tried to stab him, the knife would just bend and then he would beat you until everything was broken.

1. Nascar– I’ll just come out and say that I don’t see the point to this “sport.” It’s car…going in a circle…for 4 hours. Who can sit and watch that? And more importantly, why would you want to?

nascar race
Can’t you just feel the excitement? Yeah, me either.

And what’s really messed up about this “sport” is that people think the crashes are exciting. That has to be a surreal experience for the drivers. Just imagine you’re in a race car, it hits the wall and flips over a dozen times. Then as you are crawling out to safety, you’re greeted by people clapping and giving each other high fives, not because you are safe and unharmed, but because that’s what they came to see.

Nascar fans
“Didchu see that boy? That was a dadgum wreck if I’d ever seen one. Where’s my beer?”

If someone put me behind the wheel of one of those death machines, I’d probably just go about 65 or 70mph. It’s not that I don’t like to drive fast and cheat death, but coming in first after driving for four hours just doesn’t seem that appealing to me.

What sports do you not care for or just don’t understand? Share your thoughts and opinions in the comments section!

4 Disgusting Things People Actually Eat

It’s a new year and many people have made resolutions to eat better. Some people give up carbs, some people give up meat, some people give up sugar, and some people give up sodas.

Dane Cook
Dane Cook tried to give up being a tool, but had no success.

The point I’m making is that a lot of people are trying to alter their diet and become healthier. This got me thinking about what people in other countries might give up when they go on a diet. While I was doing some research, I found some pretty horrifying and disgusting foods that I can’t believe people eat. Sure, your new diet may suck, but at least you don’t have to eat like this. Here are 5 disgusting foods that people actually eat.

5. Spiders– I think everyone is afraid of spiders. It’s got to be embedded in our genes or something. Even if you’re a guy, you can’t help but be afraid of these things. Spiders have the ability to build webs, climb walls, and turn the manliest of men into 3 year old girls.

girl screaming
Holy crap! This girl must have just seen a huge spider or…
Gary Busey
…she just met Gary Busey.

But no, people actually deep fry spiders and eat them. The taste is described as “tasty and chewy.” I’ll just take their word for it.

4. Casu Marzu– The name sounds almost appealing. It makes me think of an exotic dish that might have some pretty interesting flavors. However, this dish is also referred to as…wait for it…”maggot cheese.” Go throw up and come back.

Basically it’s goat’s milk with the larvae of cheese flies. What’s really gross it that when humans go to consume this succulent dish, the sane people remove the maggots. The people who are out of their mind leave them in because they “add flavor.” Nom Nom Nom.

3. Fermented Salmon Heads– Now when I first read about this one, I expected this to be eaten in a really foreign country. But no. You know where this is really popular? Alaska.

Alaska
I’m just glad they aren’t attached to the rest of America. Sickos.

Let me explain how this delicacy comes to be. First, they cut off the heads of the salmon. So far so good. Then the heads are buried in the ground for a few weeks. You know, so they can marinate in that dead flavor. Then right before the heads rot, they are dug up, because that’s just the logical thing to do. The heads are then mashed up into a pudding and served in a cold bowl.

So if you ever find yourself in Alaska, don’t eat pudding under any circumstances.

1. Pacha– I love how these dishes are given different names to keep their ingredients a secret.

a chef winking
“Mamma Mia! If you tell anyone the secret, I’ll kill you!”

Pacha is code word for “boiled sheep head.” Basically, you’re eating a face. And this face stares at you…the whole time you’re eating it. Creepy. I wonder if this entree shows up on the kid’s menu?

So when you start hating your new diet that you started, just be thankful that you don’t have to eat any of these things. That salad or piece of fruit looks a lot more appetizing if you are given these options instead. Let that motivate you to stay on your diet and good luck!

I came across a ton of horrifying and disgusting foods while doing the research for this. Do you know of any other dishes that are just really out there and disgusting? If so, tell me about them in the comments section.

Also, notice that I didn’t post any pictures of these wonderful dishes. You’re welcome! I had to look at the pictures and it wasn’t too pretty. Feel free to Google them if you want.

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